


Through History

by Castlewood_Bard



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Actors, Alternate Character, Anger, Angst, Captain - Freeform, Coming Out, Diary/Journal, Doctor - Freeform, Fluff, Loss, M/M, Magic, Medicine, Medieval Medicine, References to Shakespeare, Stars, World War I, planes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26185483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castlewood_Bard/pseuds/Castlewood_Bard
Summary: There were times Merlin could sense Arthur throughout history. He was always a breath away, just around the corner. A flash. A glance. A whisper. Nothing more. Most of the time.But sometimes, Arthur appeared in more than just the corner of his eye.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of an experiment for me. There is some blood, so I've labeled it violence and gore as a warning, but it is not overly explicit. Enjoy :)

_Tuesday November 7, 1347_

A year this sickness has plagued the our town. People  are terrified . They lose loved ones everyday. My magic has no effect on it. Almost as if the Universe wants it to happen.

When I look around I see a pain in these people’s faces. I know it well because it's the same pain that drowned me for decades after… well, you know. Loss leaves deep scars on everyone.

Something happened today, though. A new doctor came to town. He stood tall and talked  sweetly  to the children he checked over. He was the first doctor they weren't scared of. They reached out to him, and he held their hands when others wouldn't even go near them.

It broke my heart. He showed courage I haven't seen since... _him_ . Since _Arthur_. I would not say it if it weren’t true. As this man walked down the street I saw the same gleam in his eye as my king would get in battle. He knew what he was doing, what was at stake, but he continued. Tomorrow  I hope to  talk with him. A small flame of hope burns in my heart. I can’t control it and I can't understand it.

-Merlin

_Wednesday November 8, 1347_

I was able to catch him at the end of the day. He had finished checking the whole first stretch of town and looked worn out. I offered dinner as thanks for his services. He is doing this at no cost to our families.

We found a half decent pub, and got to talking about medicine. 

“You know, I own the apothecary up the street. Any supplies you need  just  ask. It’s been awhile since anyone else with medical knowledge has been able to help us.”

“Thank you,” he replied, and when he smiled I caught another gleam of _him_.

“If you don’t mind my asking, how did you get into medicine? There seems to be such a shortage of people interested in it nowadays.” I pried. This man didn't talk much. A small difference from _someone else_.

“Well, my mother died when I was a boy and ever since I’ve wanted to know the cause of illnesses. They fascinate and terrify me all at once, but the only way to get over a fear is to face it. So that’s what I do.”

Again I  was struck by  the similarity. _He_ never shied away from a fight if he could help it.

His voice pulled me from my thoughts. "There are millions of things we don’t yet know about the human body. I want to be the one to discover them. It's an adventure for me."

He's right. Even I haven't been able to study it in its entirety yet,  mostly  out of respect for the dead. I cannot bring myself to do it. You understand. 

We stayed at the pub well into the evening talking of science and his time on the road. He's a traveling doctor who has seen horrible illnesses. But as he talked about them his eyes gleamed again. 

The same light. The same intensity. Wanting to help and heal and learn. I must confess it brought tears to my eyes, though I brushed them off quickly. I can’t begin to explain what I felt.

When we finished eating, I excused myself and told him I would prepare some herbs for him to carry tomorrow. They're not much, but Gaius and I used them in Camelot. They seem to help a little.

I intend to learn more about him tomorrow. It is a sliver of hope, but there are so many similarities. He is so like him. I cannot ignore it. And this sickness. If ever we needed a king, it's now. He would know how to lead and organize. How to spread information without spreading panic. It is a faint dream, but my heart reaches for it. I must not write anymore or my hopes will grow too large. Wish me luck.

-Merlin 

_Friday November 10, 1347_

I was foolish. I was so, so foolish. I let my inane hope break a barrier I set up for this very reason. _Arthur_ is not back. Of course _he’s_ not back. The world doesn’t get a king for a cold! How could I be so damn foolish!

I know you're only parchment, but you listen. So, I must tell you what happened. I'll burst otherwise.

Yesterday, I tried to meet with him again. I went to the lower streets, where the sickness is most prevalent. I checked in almost every home, but there was no sign of him. I figured he was in another part of town and turned to walk back to the pub, in ridiculous hopes he would have the same idea.

As I walked, a crash resounded in a an alley as a cart rounded the corner, flying by my shoulder. The driver had lost control of the reins and the horse was out of his mind from the noise. In all the commotion I heard a yell . I spun around in time to see the doctor crumple to the ground. 

My heart dropped. ‘Not again. Not when we need him.’ I rushed over to see what damage had  been done . 

As I said, foolish. 

The horse had pushed him down. He couldn't roll out of the way and, the wheel collided with his head, driving it into a rock. A large pool of blood formed in the seconds it took me to get there. I pushed my way through a cluster of on-lookers, but I was finally able to kneel next to him. Recognition swept across his face when he saw me.

Muttering an old healing spell, I pressed my neckerchief to the wound. But there are limitations to magic, even mine. That close to death there's, nothing to do. He stared at me as his eyes tried to focus and whispered, “I never caught your name.”

Blood spread around him and formed a startling red halo. My breath hitched in my that and I choked out, “Merlin.”

I wish this part were a lie, and someday  I might  convince myself it was. But I swear on the magic of the Earth itself, he smiled and whispered, “I knew someone named Merlin once. Long ago. He looked like you. Your eyes.”

Then his eyelids fluttered closed, and he was still. I couldn’t tell if the tears on his cheeks were his or mine. I suspect a mixture of both. The crowd grew, and someone called the local undertaker. I followed him back to the church. The doctor had no identification, so they arranged a small funeral for sometime tomorrow.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized I never learned his name. Rage took me. I couldn't control anything. I swung  blindly , knocking things everywhere, not caring what I destroyed. Magic coursed through me, and whipped through the air in gold blades, red tinging the ends. I tore my home to shreds. When I finally dropped from exhaustion I couldn’t think. My knees gave out and I darkness took me. I woke once the torrent of magic calmed in my head.

I am a fool. I am a fool. I am a fool.  Maybe  repetition will drive it into my brain. He will not come back for so small a matter as this. I have been waiting for 800, watching the world tear itself apart over and over. There is no reason to light the flames of hope now. No, I will not let myself do this again. 

-Merlin 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) Comments and kudos always appreciated!

_Thursday December 21, 1610_

I had to leave town for the first time in an age. There are supplies I need that I can only get in London. Every step my heart constricted with dread, but it’s necessary. I suppose I shouldn’t worry too much. Nothing has happened in the last century or three. Fear is just a hard thing to shake. 

I do have some luck on my side. The Universe decided it was time to be young again, so the trip was easier. The road, rough and long, is not a journey for hundred year old knees. 

I arrived in London late today. The sun set as I passed the Globe Theatre. I’ve heard good things about Shakespeare and may convince myself to go. Only if I have the time, though. I won’t be away longer than needed. 

The candle in my room burns low. I must go for now. Goodnight.

-Merlin

_Friday December 22, 1610_

The supplies proved tricky to track down. I walked all over town and only found half of what I needed. 

On a different note; in one of the apothecaries I visited today I had a very unpleasant encounter. My mood was sour from traipsing through London and having no luck. The shelves were close together, it was dark, and I accidentally bumped into someone. He dropped his tincture and flew off the handle, yelling, “What do you think you’re doing?” 

I tried to explain, but he continued, “You country people come here, bumbling about like idiots. You don’t even know where you’re going!” 

“Sorry,” I ground out. This did not improve my mood. “I’ll pay for it, if that’ll help at all.” I really didn’t want to deal with him anymore than I had to.

“Of course you’re paying for it!” His voice took on a superior air that made my blood run cold. That tone. How many times had I heard that tone? It was _his._ Plain and simple. Reserved for his worst days. Days the knights wouldn’t listen, he hadn’t slept, or his mood just wouldn’t brighten. It was a tone of frustration, annoyance, and total arrogance. Of ‘I can’t be bothered anymore, and God help anyone in my way.’

263 years ago I promised myself I wouldn’t hope anymore, so I won’t. I won’t think about how this man in the shop sounded exactly like my king did the first day we met. I won’t think about how when the man in the shop spun on me he wore the same expression as when Uther said I was to be _his_ servant.

But the thing I will not think about the most is that the man in the shop was in a costume. He had a makeup smudge on his cheek, and the Globe less than a block from the shop. I won’t think about any of these things as I continue my search for herbs. I won’t.

-Merlin 

_Saturday December 23, 1610_

I thought about it. Oh shut up- I know you’re only parchment, but I know you're judging me. I said I wanted to see a play at the Globe, and now I have a reason. 

I went in today, after another disappointing search for herbs. I got in during a play called _Hamlet_. The man was front and center.

“I was the more deceived.”

“Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest; but yet I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me.” Here he flipped his head and gave a look to the audience.

“I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I do crawling between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves, all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery. Where's your father?” 

I didn’t hear anymore. My mind focused only on the man himself. He was amazing. In outward appearance he looks nothing like _Arthur._ Hair, eyes, everything darker and more serious. But his sound, the way he carries himself- it’s uncanny. On stage, this man used arrogance to command the audience. Just as _he_ would use it on stubborn troops or even _his_ father. 

By the end I could hardly bear it. Memories flooded my my senses. I had to leave, but I intend to go back tomorrow. I have to talk with him. On better terms this time. I have to get answers. I just… have to.

-Merlin 

_Sunday December 24, 1610_

I went again today and got to watch the entire performance. I also got the chance to talk with him when it finished. As he was leaving, I caught up with him.

“Excuse me. Hi, I don’t know if you remember me from a couple days ago, but I was the one who bumped into you in that shop.”

He glared at me, but stopped walking. “Yeah, and…”

“Well I was hoping you would let me take you to dinner as an apology. And because you probably know the best places to eat around here. Not being country and all.” A little flattery never hurt anyone.

“Are you serious?” he scoffed, looking at me like I said I could turn myself into a toad.

“Yes.” I held his gaze. That was always the best way to get him to agree to something. 

“Fine. Never could pass up a free meal.” he muttered.

We sat down at a nice pub and he began telling me about his job as we waited for food. Once he started talking, it seemed hard for him to stop.

“My father was a politician in a small village outside of London. Wanted me to follow, but that wasn’t happening. I watched that job destroy everything good about him. I ran away, joined the first acting troupe I could find, and worked my way up to the Globe. Never regretted it,” he finished and took a long drink of mead. 

“I work in an apothecary in my hometown. It’s a ways from London, so I don’t get here often,” Or ever. “I’m here restocking some of the rarer herbs we can’t grow.”

“That’s why you were at that- that place!” he slurred. A couple drinks in and he was already losing it. _Arthur_ always claimed I was the lightweight, but _he_ wasn’t much better. Another shared trait, I may point out.

“Yeah,” I laughed. “I don’t get out much. Honestly, this is the first time I’ve been away in years. Something always kept me home.” If Arthur is in there anywhere I want him to know I’m not giving up. I had to step out for a minute. That's all. 

He nodded. “I know that feeling. Same one keeps me here. Like if I go back, I’ll never leave.” 

We finished our meal and left. He offered to walk me to the inn since I was ‘a country person and would get lost after a minute of roaming.’ Though, I suspect it was more to use me as a support. His legs stopped working after the third mead. 

As we approached my door he looked at me quizzically and muttered, “I don’t- um- I don’t know your name.”

“Merlin.” A smile crept onto my face. I don’t know why. Telling him my name just... felt right. 

“Merlin. ‘S nice.” He gave me a lopsided grin and held out his hand. “I’m Gideon.”

“That’s nice, too.”

“No it’s not. It’s pretentious. My dad said it meant warrior or something. Always wanted me to be braver than I was. And he wonders why I left home.”

“Yeah,” I breathed. There are _so many_ similarities

“Well, if this is your’s I’d better be getting home. Can’t be late to morning rehearsal.”

“Uh-huh,” I answered, still lost in thought. 

“Goodnight. And thanks for dinner. We should do it again.”

“Definitely.” My brain was finally catching up.

I watched him walk down the street to make sure he was okay to get home. He was a little unsteady, but nothing to worry over.

Once he was out of sight, I rushed to write this, so I didn’t forget all the signs. And there are so many. It has to be him. 

No. No. I’m not hoping, just observing. I know we aren’t anywhere near Avalon and that the world is fairly peaceful at the moment. But something could come. Someone could shift the balance just enough. I won’t discount anything, not yet. 

-Merlin

_Monday December 25, 1610_

Today most of the medical and herbal shops were closed, so I wandered around taking in the sights. London is a fascinating city when you have the time to look. It was nightfall before I got back to the Globe. I don’t even think I intended to end up there. My feet moved on their own accord.

Gideon was brilliant. Not a moment of hesitation or doubt. Everything precise. Toward the end his eyes gleamed with Hamlet’s madness and I saw _him_ . The wild light _he_ got when everything was perfect. 

It’s a good thing _Hamlet_ is a tragedy. My tears didn’t stand out as much in a crowd of others weeping for their prince.

I tried wiping them away before I found him, but the redness must have given me away.

“Blimey, I didn’t know you liked Shakespeare that much. Would food help?”

I sniffed and and shook my head. “I’m fine. You were good tonight. But dinner would be lovely. I think I skipped lunch.”

This time I had a couple drinks along with him. I started rambling about my childhood. I knew it was dangerous to reveal anything, but I couldn’t stop myself. I hadn’t realized I was crying again until Gideon took my hand and brushed a stray tear off my cheek. His hand was warm and steady, and I leaned into it without thinking.

“I think it’s time for home, don’t you. Not a big fan of carrying people over my shoulder in the dead of winter,” he chided. 

I didn’t argue, mostly because his voice was blurry, and that usually means I’m pretty far gone. 

We stumbled through streets and everything felt warm. Head, body heart. Even despite the snow that had begun to fall. I didn’t notice we were still holding hands until we got to my door. I giggled at the sight and swung our hands in small arches. That made him laugh and soon the tinge of sadness from dinner disappeared completely. 

I opened the door, but he held me in the doorway and stared at me. “Merlin, I just wanted to say…”

“Yes?” 

“You did something to me that day in the shop. Knocked something into place. I haven’t felt like this in years and I’ve only known you for a few days. I- I can’t explain it. It doesn’t seem possible.”

“Impossible sort of sums me up.” I grinned. 

“Can I give you something?”

“Uh-huh.” My head was still fuzzy and the snow swirls made my magic sing below my skin.

He leaned in, hesitated, then kissed me. It was… I don’t even know how to describe it. The drink, the snow, the surprise, everything piled on top of each other made me dizzy with happiness. But I must have swayed because I broke it. 

He pulled back, a flash of fear crossing his face. His breath stood out in puffs, making me smile, and he relaxed.

“That was even better than I imagined,” he whispered.

“Does that say something about me?”

“No… just a pleasant surprise. I don’t usually go around snogging guys who wait for me by the stage door. And I definitely don’t do it a second time.”

“What-” He leaned in again. This time I was ready for it and my whole body lit up. Magic and adrenaline raced through me and I didn’t want to stop.

But a tiny voice yelled in my ear, ‘Not yet! Wait! Too close!” I pulled back again and saw my disappointment reflected on his face. My head dipped down in silent apology. Sometimes it's good to listen.

“Tomorrow is the finale of Hamlet. I expect I’ll see you there,” he said as he turned to walk home. 

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Tomorrow was the day I'd planned to go home, but now I don’t think 24 hours will make that much of a difference.

I watched him fade into the night, then came in and used a little magic to sober up. This was too important to write tipsy. 

No hopes. That's what I’ve been saying, I know. But that kiss changed things. How could it not. My magic responded to it, I can tell. Gideon has to be _him_ , or a form of _him_. Even if memories are missing, they can be found. It could be a protection spell for all I know. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. It’s him. I know that now, and I will do whatever it takes to stay by his side. 

-Merlin

_Tuesday December 26, 1610_

It was stunning. Everything was absolutely stunning for one day. 

One day! _THAT’S ALL I GET!_

One day of happiness before it’s taken away… again.

No I guess that isn’t really fair. Happiness was never given to me. I made it up. The Universe didn’t hand me a silver platter and say, ‘Here, everything’s fine now.’

I made up every feeling because I was lonely in a new city. I thought I found something, but I was was _stupid_. 

I’m only writing this because I don’t… have anyone to tell about it. But if I don’t get it off my chest, my magic will do it for me. It’s alive and angry, and I don’t want to deal with it right now. so I’m using you...

It was his best performance. He held the audience entranced, and pulled me right along with them. I’ve seen that play three times now, so I knew what was coming once the poison was distributed. 

“ _O, I die, Horatio; The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit: I cannot live to hear the news from England; But I do prophesy the election lights On Fortinbras: he has my dying voice; So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less, Which have solicited_ _. The rest is silence.”_ At these words I turned away. Tonight I couldn’t bear to see Gideon fall. Even a fake death was painful after our kiss. 

But I should have been watching. Watching the entire scene because tonight his wound was real. He had embodied the character so well, no one noticed the small stain growing dark on his shirt. Not even me. 

I admit he sounded breathless when we met up, but I thought it was excitement. Everything went so well tonight, I wouldn’t have blamed him for having the wind knocked out of him.

As we walked to his house, he slowed. I thought he was enjoying the snow and refreshing air. Once we got to the house he set out a couple drinks and sat heavily in his chair. He nursed his glass, and as time wore on his eyes became vacant. 

“Merlin, would you mind if I moved to the bed. I don’t- I don’t feel well... I need to lie down. You can stay if you want. I just need a rest.”

“What’s wrong?” Panic flashed through my mind.

“I don’t know. It’s just-” He stood and pressed a hand against his heart. Then he collapsed. His eyes rolled back as he groaned in pain. 

I raced to him and gathered him in my arms. Moving him to the bed, I saw the blood stain clear as day and wondered how I missed it. 

He woke enough to help me get his shirt off to examine the wound.

As I scanned his body for other marks, my eyes fell on something on his lower abdomen. Some sort of birthmark. Right where the blasted sword had pierced so long ago. Then out of morbid curiosity, I moved my hand to the back of his head and felt another mark where the rock would have hit.

“It is you,” I breathed, tears making it hard for any sound to come out. 

“I don’t know what that means,” he whispered, trying to smile. All he managed was a grimace.

“It means the Universe doesn’t like me” I gritted out.

In defiance, I ran my hand over the fresh wound while muttering the strongest healing spell I know. My magic wouldn’t touch it. It danced around it like flames and died in the air.

“Whatever you’re doing, it won’t help.”

“You don’t know that!” I cried. 

“I do, actually. I don’t know how, but I do.”

“No. No. There has to be something.”

“There isn’t.”

“Oh and you would know. You always know better than me, right?” My voice was hysterical.

He let out a gargled chuckle. “Y-know, I was going to ask you tonight. That kiss, it was special, wasn’t it?”

I stared at him as more tears raced down my face. “More than you know.”

“I thought so,” he murmured. His eyes fluttered closed, and in a moment of desperation I shook him. He had to live. He had to.

Somehow, his eyes opened again, but there was something different about them. They were sad, like the first time. Like he knew he was leaving, but he didn’t want to. He moved his lips, but the words wouldn’t come. I bent lower and felt his breath on my ear. 

“I know you.” 

“Yes.”

“You’re Merlin.” His voice wasn’t Gideon’s anymore. It had lost the young arrogance. This voice fit a king. 

“And you’re Arthur.” I pulled back to see his face, and there _he_ was. Shining through, just below the surface.

“I’m going to miss you, Merlin.”

“Not as much as I’m going to miss you.” Each word singed my throat. “But you’ll see me again, I promise. You’ll be okay.”

His eyes drifted closed as he gave a slight nod, then turned pale and was gone. I’d lost him. Again.

It wasn’t fair last time and it _certainly_ isn’t this time. But it’s different this time. Coincidence isn’t to blame here. Someone at the theatre used a real sword. Someone stabbed him through the heart. Someone is going to pay for what they did. 

I’ll go to the Globe for the last time tomorrow and find whoever is responsible. I will find the person who did this, and no one in the Universe is going to stop me.

-M

_Wednesday December 27, 1610_

I found him. It was so easy. He was standing right there, in the dressing room like he had no idea what he’d done. Anger seared my heart as I walked towards him. When he saw me, he crumbled. Angry magic will do that.

He ran to the back, but I caught him.

I drove him into the wall as he stammered, “I- I’m sorry. I only meant to get him out of the way for a bit. He’s the favorite. Doesn’t give anyone else a chance to get the good parts. I was looking for a break. I didn’t- I never meant-” 

“ _TO KILL HIM_!” I roared.

The boy’s face paled. “He’s dead?”

“Yes,” I hissed. Then I leaned in and growled in his ear. “Turn yourself in… or I will.” 

I released my death grip on his shirt and stalked away. There was nothing more to do. More blood didn't need to stain my hands at the moment. 

Do you know the worst part?

He wasn’t important. I looked into his eyes and saw nothing. No destiny, no string leading him to this moment. He wasn’t Mordred incarnate, or Morgana. He was nothing. 

I came here to get herbs and I got them. Now, I’ve been away too long. It made me forget my place in the Universe. I stay in Albion, its pawn. It can do what it wants with me. And punish me if I stray too far from its path. 

I’ve been away too long now, anyway. Avalon calls. 

-Merlin 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3/4 done. You still with me? Thanks to everyone reading. I adore every single one of you.

Wednesday April 1,1801

I’m back. Young and healthy once again. My body decided it was time. I let it go for almost 200 years, but the universe interfered. We’re on better terms again. It’s been good to Avalon the past few years, in apology to me. I gave in. It was easier than stoking the anger over and over.  
An astronomer’s convention is coming here in a few days. They're staying in the hotel across from my house. I must say this is a beautiful spot for star gazing. They chose well. Not a lot of other news.  
Just thought I should give an update. I’m not very good at keeping up with this sometimes. 

-Merlin

Wednesday April 8, 1801

The astronomers came today. And they brought someone with them. He was gorgeous, I can’t lie. And he seemed familiar.  
I saw him carrying bags, so I assume he’s an assistant. Tomorrow morning I’ll try to find him and ask more about this conference. I’d like to know what they’re looking for.  
I can’t put my finger on why he looks so familiar. As he was walking into the hotel the light bounced off his dirty blond hair and I swear I was somewhere else. Then he turned his head, almost as if he sensed me staring from my window, and his blue eyes shot me through the heart. It’s a bit ridiculous. I don’t do this. I don’t look at people. I don’t notice them. Not ever. It makes this life so much easier.  
Maybe I won’t talk to him or any of the astronomers.  
But I have to know. Why is he so familiar? What is it?

-Merlin

Thursday April 9, 1801

1200 years. That’s what it took. 1200 years, and I forgot what he looked like!  
I have kept him in my thoughts everyday, but still managed to forget his face!  
How? How could I do that? The others didn’t look like him. The others were easier. I didn’t look at them and see him. His hair. His eyes. His lips.  
The Universe saw I was happy and did it again. Nothing is even happening right now. It wants me on edge.  
What did I do to you? Did I do something wrong again? Did I not save the right person, heal the right field?  
I won’t do this again! I won’t let my heart be broken! Not by you, or him, or anyone else!

But how can I not? If it is him- if it is Arthur, I have to be there for him no matter what.  
This time, I’ll save him. My magic will be strong enough, and he’ll be okay. He has to be.

Later

I went to the hotel to find him. It wasn’t hard because sunset was soon. He was sitting in the main entrance, waiting for someone.  
“Hello,” he said as he saw me walking towards him.  
“Hi."  
“Can I help you?”  
“Yes, sorry. I live next door and wondered what this conference is? You seem to be moving in and out so late.”  
“We’re astronomers. There are flyers up everywhere about our visit. Have you really not seen them?”  
“I guess I must have missed them.” I gave a shrug and tried to act innocent. It didn’t work.  
“No, hang on. You were the man I saw in the window when we got here last night. You do know who we are. What do you want?”  
His tone went from friendly to suspicion and guilt flitted in my stomach. I was lying to him. Again.  
“ Sorry. Yes you’re right. I saw you yesterday and I wanted to… learn more about what you’re doing here. The stars hold curiosity for me.”  
“You could have led with that, you know. My boss loves people tagging along. It gives him a new audience to impress. We’re heading out in a few minutes, if you want to come.”  
“If it’s not an imposition.”  
“Not at all. You can help me carry the equipment.” He smiled, stood up, and dumped a bag on my shoulder.  
Some things transcend time and space.  
“Ah, here’s Piazzi now.”  
“Piazzi?”  
“My boss. I’m training under him in Italy right now. He discovered something, a ‘stellar object’, in January. We’re not sure exactly what it is yet, but it’s over this town right now. We hosted this conference to get some new eyes on the sky. The stars are brighter than they've been in years. Have you noticed?”  
“I guess,” I shrugged, then asked’ “What do you do for him, then?  
“It’s my job to check his work. I-” But Piazzi strolled up to us before he could finish.  
“Ready, sir. The sky is perfectly clear tonight, and we’ll be joined by… what did you say your name was?”  
“Merlin. I didn’t really have a chance to mention it yet. Your apprentice is quite the talker, Mr. Piazzi.” I wanted to be as friendly as I could to him. I may be stealing his apprentice from him in a few days, after all. If my hunch is correct.  
“Ah good! I am teaching him something!” He chuckled, his accent thick.  
“What are you hoping to see in our little town, Mr. Piazzi?”  
“I am searching the stars. Looking for a little planet or comet. Something to call my own. Do you know the feeling, Merlin, of searching for something, of needing to find something?”  
“I’m familiar with the feeling, sir.”  
“That’s all an astronomer needs in my opinion, though Leo disagrees. He believes mathematics and science are necessary to comprehend the universe. Heh.”  
“Believe me, sir, if the Universe worked on math and science alone, my life would be a whole lot easier. And I’m sorry, but who’s Leo?”  
“Me!” the other man piped up, giving me an exasperated look.  
Leo! He’s going by Leo. Brave, warrior, golden. Appropriate. Even a constellation. The universe put some thought into this one.  
“Well, we’ve stood around long enough. Must get to the hill before dark to have proper time to set up,” Piazzi interrupted my thoughts, and we headed out.  
The night was unseasonably hot. By the time we got up the hill, we were all sweating.  
Leo dropped his bag then took his shirt off and wiped the remaining sweat from his face. “It’s easier to concentrate when you don’t have liquid dripping in your eyes, don’t you think, Merlin.”  
“Huh, oh, eh, yeah.” My eyes darted from where they had been scanning his torso. I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t. I just wanted to see if the scars were there. They were. One over his heart and the other under his right rib. I couldn’t see the mark on the back of his head, but I knew it was there.  
Of course they weren’t scars, not real ones. They were birthmarks now. Testaments to lives forgotten.  
“Alright boys, if you’re done, we can get set up.” Piazzi's grimaced slightly.  
We spent the rest of the night gazing into the inky blue. The stars shimmered and flickered. Humans can’t read the stars, not as well as they would like anyway, but I read secrets in every wink.  
Leo’s eyes filled with the starlight and shone more brightly every minute. They were beautiful. There’s no other way to say it. They were beautiful, pure and simple. Piazzi’s eye’s too, filled with wonder as they roved over the sky. It was contagious.  
I must have nodded off, though, because when I opened my eyes they filled with a view of Leo’s face. It was still full of starlight and I smiled.  
“Are you a complete idiot, Merlin? We came out here to stare at stars, not our eyelids. Next time, try to stay awake.”  
“Next time?” I said, trying to wake up and process the familiar insult all at the same time.  
“Yes. I assume you’ll be joining us again. As Piazzi loves an audience, and you didn’t even get to see the best part of the night.”  
“What’s that?”  
“I guess you’ll see,” he whispered as he hauled me to my feet.  
All the way back, Piazzi prattled on about one star or another, but I couldn’t look away from Leo.  
Does he remember? Anything, anything at all. A single moment. They seem to at the end. at least. I want to ask, but I won’t. I can’t disrupt the natural flow of anything.  
Dropping the bag I was carrying in the doorway, I told them I had to head home. They said goodnight, and Piazzi invited me to come tomorrow. I guess there will be a next time. But for now I go to dream of stars and princes.  
I’m far too poetic for my own good.

-Merlin

Friday April 10,1801

Today was uneventful. Tonight, though, tonight was amazing. I learned something, but I’ve got to tell the story in order, so here we go. I met up with Leo and Piazzi just before sunset again and we headed off. Tonight was cooler, and there was a breeze. It tugged at Ar- Leo’s hair and made it dance like the stars in the sky. I’d forgotten how striking he was.  
We made it to the top of the hill and I laid out a blanket while they set up the telescopes and other equipment. Piazzi kept making adjustments and Leo had to mark each one down. I wandered off a bit. I hadn’t taken a walk up there in a while. It’s too close to those memories. The lake is over the next rise. I could never bring myself to do it, but now, with him here, it’s not so bad.  
I must have gotten lost in thought because I didn’t hear Leo calling my name until he was almost right behind me.  
“Merlin, blimey, you’re hard to find!” He sounded like he’d been running.  
“Sorry. I needed to stretch my legs. What time is it? Are you done?”  
“Done? No. Piazzi's still staring, but I slipped away anyway. I wanted to show you what you missed last night, remember. It happens at midnight.”  
“What does?”  
“The parting of the veil.”  
“The what?”  
“Come on. Just lie down and you’ll see.”  
He took my hand and pulled me down to the ground.  
“See that clear patch of sky? Look at it and tell me what you see.  
“It’s dark, Leo. There's noth-,” I stopped. Something was happening. The patch began twinkling. There hadn’t been anything there a moment ago and now there were stars, with more appearing every second. Layers and layers. Going up, up, up. Through the Heavens like a tunnel. The sky disappeared and sparkling lights took its place. Tiny specks of ink tried to poke through, but were soon defeated. Millions of diamonds overtook the black. Then, as quickly as it had started, it stopped. The stars faded and the layers thinned. The veil moved back and the ink leaked back into its proper place.  
“That was…”  
“I know. Every time, Merlin, it gets me every time. The new day revealing itself and then hiding again. Even Piazzi doesn’t always see it. Actually you’re the first person who’s seen it the first time I tried to show it to them. They always take convincing, like they can’t quite believe what they’re seeing so they ignore it.”  
“I could never ignore that.”  
Leo was silent for a minute, then he turned to look at me. “That's how I felt when I first saw you, in the window. I knew someone saw me and I wanted to see them back.”  
His eyes reflected the stars again, flickering with a thousand years of light.  
“I know what you mean. I don’t get on with many people, but, you, I wanted to know you right away.”  
He smiled and shifted closer, leaning in. His nose brushed my cheek, his lips a whisper away from mine. But I turned away. I couldn’t. Not this time. Not yet.  
His lips brushed my cheek and I had to stop myself from leaning back in.  
He pulled away, and looked embarrassed. “I- I’m sorry. I thought- I didn’t mean- I was just-”  
I held up my hand. “Leo, it’s okay. I’m just not a person you want to get close to not yet. Give me a little time. I have to get something… sorted.”  
“Oh.” his shoulders sagged, and I had to hold myself back again. I want everything he offered, but I don’t want to have to glue a million pieces of my heart back together. Again.  
“Ask me tomorrow. My answer might be different then.”  
“Promise?” he whispered.  
“Promise.”  
He studied my face and nodded. I didn’t know if I could keep it, but I had to try. We sat in silence for a while longer, then both agreed to go back to Piazzi. He didn’t look directly at me again. But it’s alright, because, as I mentioned, I learned something.  
The Universe trusts me and it trusts Arthur, no matter who he is. It doesn’t reveal itself to just anyone, but it’s been showing Leo its secrets for a long time. And tonight it showed me. Maybe, just maybe it’s a sign of better times to come. Maybe the king has come home.

-Merlin 

Saturday April 11, 1801

Hope. That’s what I gave myself when I made that promise to Leo. My heart. That’s what I gave him when I made that promise. I shouldn’t have, but I did. I’ll live with the consequences; good or bad.  
I went to the hotel lobby today around noon in the hope Leo would show up. I loitered for about an hour and was about to give up when he appeared. He looked forlorn and had small circles under his eyes from the past two nights, but he smiled when he saw me. Every nerve in my body jolted toward him, but I stopped myself. Again.  
“I wasn’t sure I was going to see you today.”  
“I keep my promises, don’t worry.”  
Arthur sucked in a breath then hesitated for a moment. “Merlin, would you mind not saying anything about last night to Piazzi? It’s not that I’m ashamed, because I’m not. But Piazzi is… set in his ways and Catholic to boot. I can’t afford to lose this opportunity. That must sound horrible.”  
I was speechless for a moment as his words took me back 1200 years. Those were the same words I had practiced a million times in Camelot. In case someone found out.  
Hiding a part of you always hurts.  
“Leo, don’t worry. I know a bit about your situation, believe me,” I tried to give a reassuring smile. It seemed to work because his shoulders relaxed and he smiled back. “Would you like some lunch?”  
“Lunch! What time is it?”  
“Nearly one, actually.”  
“That late.?” he paused. “I should work on some calculations, but I find it impossible to refuse you, Merlin. Do you know anywhere good?”  
“I’m told I make a very good mincemeat pie.”  
Arthur grinned. “Lead the way, then.”  
After lunch, Leo had to go back to help Piazzi with their paper, but he invited me to come stargazing again.  
“Promise.” I said.  
He chuckled and left with a glance over his shoulder. 

When I met them both in the hotel lobby tonight something was off. They weren’t looking at each other, and Leo was oddly quiet.  
On the way up the hill, I slipped and one of the telescopes dropped in a puddle. Piazzi laughed it off, but it didn’t reach his eyes. An air of annoyance followed Leo as well. He didn’t respond to any of Piazzi’s chatter and walked ahead of me the whole way there.  
After a bit of stiff silence, I slipped away again. I laid out the blanket and sat down. The clouds covered the stars tonight, so I played with the grass.  
Soon I heard footsteps coming toward me. I looked up and saw Leo. His eyes were shining brighter than anything in the sky. Tears clung to his cheek. He sat down heavily and leaned against me. This time I didn’t fight anything. My hand found his hair and I ran my fingers through it. It was soft and caught the moonlight making it shimmer. He leaned closer, and with my other hand, I took his.  
When he had calmed down a bit, I whispered, “What happened?”  
Silence then, “I told him I wanted to stay here. That I thought these stars would be better for me to study, and he became furious. Said I was abandoning him for some tiny town on a tiny whim. Then he figured out the real reason.”  
He peered at me and, taking a deep breath, started mocking his mentor. “ ‘The boy,’ Piazzi said, ‘The boy! That’s why you want to stay, want to desert your work. For your unnatural desire.”  
He’d put on an Italian accent, but by the end his voice cracked.  
My blood ran white hot. No one should feel that way. I wanted him to understand that I knew how he felt, but I couldn’t find the words So I just held him.  
“I’m sorry. I’m- I’m so sorry.” Tears stung my eyes, and I held on tighter. I didn’t think I’d ever let him go.  
Eventually, he straightened a bit and looked at me. “Thank you. For being you. For listening. For seeing. I- Thank you.”  
“It’s nothing.”  
“It’s everything.” His eyes sparkled again, but this time there wasn’t pain behind them. He bent toward me. Again, I didn’t stop myself. I followed his motion and our lips connected. Behind my eyes, stars erupted, each a bit of pure elation. It was even better than the 1600’s. It was more complete, like he was ready for this world. Hope flooded my brain, and I knew it wasn’t leaving anytime soon. He held me against him and I pulled him even closer. I have no idea how long we stayed like that.  
“I knew there was a reason I wanted to stay,” he breathed.  
“You can stay as long as you like.” Was all that came to my head.  
“Glad I have your invitation,” he chuckled. The sound beautiful after listening to his tears for so long.  
We were quiet for a while, then I realized what time it was. “The stars, Leo, they’re coming.”  
The clouds parted and the infinite layers appeared. Shining like a million suns, which I guess they were.  
“You know, they were the reason I wanted to study astronomy. I wanted everyone to be able to see what I saw. You’re the only one that ever did. Even my mother didn’t. She pretended to, but I could tell. She just saw the sky. But you, your reaction, it was the same as mine. Like you never wanted it to stop. I’d stay for that reason alone.”  
“You have no idea how glad it makes me to hear that.” The tears threatened to come back with a vengeance.  
“Why?”  
“People tend to leave my life far too early for my liking.”  
He faced me and said, “I won’t. I promise.”  
“I’ll hold you to that.”  
Before long, the sun peeked its head over the horizon. We packed the blanket up and met back with Piazzi. Leo stood just behind me, and I guarded him. Piazzi will never speak to him like that again. I made sure of it with one look. 

If you don’t use your magic for a while, sometimes you forget how much power you have. I was reminded when every drop surged to the surface of my skin when I looked at him.  
I’d liked him. He’d been kind and fun, but all that was a distant memory. Now the only thing left is Leo’s face, and what Piazzi did to him. No one should have to feel like that. No one should have to feel the way I felt for so long.  
I poured all that into one glare. And somehow, through his thick skull Piazzi got it. He shrunk back. None of us talked on the way home, but that was alright. Nothing else needed to be said.  
I hung back as they went into the hotel and hoped Leo would be okay tonight. He lingered in the lobby and gave me one last look before following his teacher. It’s not fair that we have to be apart for another night, but Piazzi leaves tomorrow and Leo will stay. We’ll find a way for him to continue astronomy, and, hopefully, gain back his memories of Camelot.  
I’ll send out feelers tonight to see if I can find what woke him. If nothing jumps out I’ll assume I don’t need to worry about it yet. As I said, not much is happening in the world right now.

-Merlin

Sunday April 12, 1810

No. No. No. No. No! Not now! Not fair! Never fair!  
The Universe. People pretend it’s so great, that it knows what it’s doing. It doesn’t! It has no idea what it does to people. How it hurts them. And no one can tell it because it doesn’t listen. It does what it wants and keeps going without seeing any consequences!  
He’s gone. Again. I don’t- I don’t even- no words- no words left...  
But I have to. So here I go. I realize I still have blood on my hands, that I’ll get blood- his blood on this paper, but maybe that’s a good thing. It’ll be one more reminder. One more mark. One more failure.  
It’s almost dawn now. I can't believe it all happened a few hours ago. We were kissing. He was going to run away. We were going to face the world. No, I’ve got to stay on track. I’ll never finish otherwise. I have to let the anger work for me a little while longer.  
I sent the magic out across the world. It went into every nook and cranny, searching for something wrong, something brewing. Nothing.  
I narrowed my field of reach for accuracy. I started in town, in my building, then in the street, then the hotel. That’s where something felt wrong. I channeled my focus into Leo’s room. When I did my magic flared with warning. Leo was in danger. I darted out the door, rushed through the lobby, and up to his room.  
Seeing the door ajar made my stomach drop. I pushed it open in time to watch the mugger pull a knife, but couldn’t stop him from using it.  
Though if the past is any indication, my magic would have been useless anyway. The long blade flashed in the moonlight and made a deep slice in Leo’s leg. Scarlet blood poured. He cried out in pain and collapsed on the bed. The robber's eyes flashed as he fled. He pushed past before my body could catch up.  
I didn’t try to stop him, just rushed to Leo. That’s all I could do. That’s all I can ever do. Be there for him, no matter what, no matter who. It’s him, and he needs me. Always.  
I gathered the blankets together and tried to stop the bleeding, but I knew it was too late. There was too much on the bed, on the floor, on me. I couldn’t breathe, but I had to try to say something.  
“Le-Leo,” I panted.  
“Merlin.” His voice was too soft. Arthur again. He always is, at the end.  
“Not again. I can’t do this again. You- you can’t leave. I won’t let you.”

“Merlin,” his voice came stronger, but still strained. He tried to move closer to me, but the pain overwhelmed him. He gasped and didn’t talk for a long time. I cradled his head in my arms, trying to give him some comfort. Finally, somehow, he came back to himself and looked at me. His eyes reflected the same moonlight that had illuminated the blade. It made them burn deep blue and I lost all control.  
“Listen to me. I know you. You- you’ll be okay. I know you will. I promise.”  
"You don't know that." A sob escaped my lips before I could stop it.  
"I do."  
"How?" His face blurred through tears.  
"Because you are... Merlin." he paused for breath.  
"My Merlin. And you are strong." His voice was only a whisper.  
He nodded his head and I knew. I buried my head in the crook of his shoulder, trying to hear a pulse. There was none.  
Another sob escaped. And another. And another. They kept coming until my lungs would split, and my throat burned, and my heart burst. Still I held him.  
At some point Piazzi came in. I didn’t want to deal with whatever he would have said, so my magic took care of him. He fell like a stone, passed out cold. He’ll forget all about this. About Leo, too. It’ll be easier on history. Easier on the Universe.  
At some point, he came to and ran for the police. I wasn’t going to try to stop him. They took a statement, but they won’t find the killer. I interrupted him before he could take anything. Piazzi thinks he got the rooms mixed up. That he was looking for valuable equipment or important calculations. I know better.  
The man was looking for something, though I doubt he even knew what. Telescopes can’t be worth a life, even to a thief. It was the Universe working through him. And I can’t do anything about it.

Except, I can. I can watch the sky. I can see the layers pull back and show themselves to me. I can remember Leo and his pain and fight. For love. For tolerance. For understanding. I let things go too long. I’m getting involved. I will not be a shadow in the world anymore. And no one is going to stop me. 

-Merlin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos always appreciated :) :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who have come this far! Sorry for the late update. School got me. Enjoy:)

_ Saturday June 16, 1916 _

I did it! I got involved. I've been forming some underground movements for equality for, well... everyone. It hasn’t quite taken off yet, but I’m trying. I’ve been busy the last 115 years. The military caught up with me 50 odd years ago. Said I could keep doing my own side projects if I helped them from time to time. Agreement was the easeist thing. I’ve kept a low profile, though. You have to when you do the kind of work I do.

It’d been quiet for  a number of years, but that changed two years ago. The ‘Great War’ they call it. I’ve been in enough battles in my life to know that no war is ‘great’, but I don’t get to come up with the names. 

Of course, my body has healed once again. It was  just before this whole thing started and I’ve been on edge ever since. You see, I figured out the pattern. My body heals every time  _ he  _ comes back. It knows I need all my strength for him, so it coordinates with the Universe. I wake one morning stronger than I was the night before. It doesn’t take long, a week at most. Then it’s a waiting game. I’m sure this will be the real thing, too. It has to be, with the world tearing itself apart. 

Back to work, though. It is a lovely distraction. There happens to be a somewhat secret base in town, which is where I work. It’s not as fancy as the ones in London, but it has a lot more action most of the time. Soldiers come here to relax for a week or so while recounting their missions for cataloguing. Listening to them is almost like traveling for me. I get to talk to people who have seen the whole world, all while staying right where I need to be. 

We have some pilots coming in tomorrow. Their stories are always interesting. Especially because air warfare is so new. People always amaze me with their constant inventions. I have a good feeling about tomorrow. Good night.

-Merlin

_ Sunday June 17, 1916 _

It happened. I was right! My theory was right! He came in with the pilots today. He had dirty blond hair and mist green eyes (what I’m trying to say is he didn’t look like  _ him,  _ but he was damn close.)

Each of my colleagues took one pilot to record an interview. The only one left was _him._ And, frankly, I could see why. The others were laughing and looked content to be back on the ground. He looked nervous and sulky and kept throwing glances at the ceiling, like he couldn’t wait to be out in the open again. It was a look I’d seen a thousand times. He was anxious and wanted to get back to battle was all. I knew how to calm him down.

Walking over to him, I extended my hand in greeting and wrapped my hand around his wrist. He glanced at me, but didn’t pull away.

“Merlin, last name’s need to know.” I smiled at him and he seemed to relax further.

“Captain Henry Theodore Smith, nothing classified about me, sorry to say.” He gave me a confused grin, and I knew he felt far better than he had a second ago. The instant my skin touched his everything in me lit up.

“Pleased to meet you Captain. Follow me and we’ll have you out of here in no time.” I led him to my desk and gestured to the only chair in the room, aside from mine. It was small with a straight back. I hated it, but it got the men talking. You never take an hour to tell a fifteen minute story if you can’t get comfortable. 

“So I see from your file, this was actually your fifth dogfight. I must congratulate you then, Ace.” I wanted to break the ice, but this seemed to be the wrong thing to say. He grimaced and unease returned to his face.

“Erm, yes, I suppose. I try not to keep count. Sorry that must sound a bit  girly , but I don’t like to. Can’t explain it.”

Vocabulary was the same. I blinked at him. It shouldn’t take me by surprise anymore, seeing him again, but it does. I hid it by pretending to take some notes, then continued, “Not  girly at all actually. I’ve spoken to many soldiers who feel the same way." He nodded, but his eyes had a far away look.

I had to continue. "If you’re up to it, could you tell me how this flight went down, with any information you may have picked up on the way? Even small details are helpful. Then I can lead you to our recreation center for some down time.”

“Yes. Let’s  just get this over with. The quicker the better.”

“My thoughts exactly. If you could start at the beginning.” 

He took a breath and started. “We were flying over Germany doing some scouting when an enemy squadron appeared. There was heavy vegetation, but I assume we’d stumbled upon a hidden. That many planes don’t come out of nowhere. They had us outnumbered by a few, but I knew my men could take them. Three of ours went down in the in a few minutes, but we fought back hard. We had them on the run before they could come at us again. I-”

“Sorry to jump in but how many planes did you have with you at the time?”

“Oh, yes, sorry. I had twelve, including me. Nine after the three dropped at the beginning.”

“Thank you. We need the most accurate account possible. Continue.”

“Well I knew I needed to find the men who’d crashed, so kept two pilots behind to search. The others I sent to scout for the Germans base. Once they found it, they were under orders to hightail it out of enemy territory. 

"I led my two down to where I thought the crashes landed and searched for about an hour. Any longer would have been too much of a risk. We were able to locate the body of one of the men, Johnson, and the crash of another. But the amount of smoke told me it was useless to investigate the third.” He paused. I knew he was blaming himself. It was another common occurrence in Camelot. 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, not looking up from my desk. Making eye contact was a surefire way to make him stop talking, but I had to collect the rest of the report.

“It’s war. There are casualties,” he cleared his throat. “Anyway, we got Johnson’s body onto my plane and headed back. Couple days later, we’re here. I don’t know if the boys found the base or not. I haven’t had a chance to talk with them yet. I know I didn’t see anything flying back.”

“Alright. Well, that’s about everything for now. I  just need you to point out approximately where you were when the planes attacked.” I motioned to the map behind me, full of little pins from all the other men I’ve talked to. Looking at it through his eyes, it struck me how many there were. Each with a small tag and specific color. Each representing lives lost for knowledge gained. 

His eyes roved over the map. Finally he pointed to Hanover. “Here. Is that all for today?”

“Yes. Here’s a key to your barracks. They’re all separate here.” He looked up in surprise. “We don’t get that many people in at a time so we can do that. There’s also an Officer’s Club open from five to midnight. That’s the relaxation bit of it.”

“I’m not one for socializing much,” he murmured.

I nodded and led him out of my office. He looked like he needed a breath of fresh air. 

“You may not like socializing, but you do know at least a few people here. It’s a tame environment. Plus I even pop in sometimes." I added as we stepped outside. It was a beautiful summer day. He seemed to perk up at the view of the sky and turned to me.

“If you promise to be there tonight I’ll go. I got the feeling my squadron wasn’t happy with me when I walked in and I doubt alcohol will make that better.”

“I’ll be there, but only if  _ you _ promise to tell me why you think your squad is unhappy,” I retorted. That should definitely be in the report. Every detail matters in my line of work.

“It’s a deal,” he said and rushed down the stairs to the path that led to the barracks.

One thing is for sure. It’s  _ him. _ Everything about him screams Arthur, but the loyalty gives it away. How many times did I have to stop him from going back for dead soldiers because the enemy was still advancing. And now he doesn’t have anyone to do that for him.  Probably why the squad is angry, but I guess I’ll find out tonight. I’ll update you tomorrow. Now I have to get the Officer’s Club.

-Merlin

Monday June 18, 1916

Last night was…I don’t know how to describe it. I left for the Officer’s Club at about seven. Once inside, I took in the smell of alcohol, warm food, and  multiple bodies in a small place in the summer. I scanned the room, finding him right away. He was on the outskirts of a group I recognized as his squadron. Again they wore easy smiles while his frown stood out. The mug in his hand was half empty, so I knew I was later than he’d been expecting. I crossed the small room and sat on the stool next to him. He finally noticed me and the corners of his mouth twitched up.

“I almost thought you weren’t coming. Hope you don’t mind, I ordered for myself.”

“Not at all. Sorry I was late. I had to get the day off of me. Even an office can get on your skin.”

“I know the feeling. So what’s good to eat here?”

"I’ve heard people talking about the hash.”

He chuckled. “Hash it is then.  Honestly , as long as it’s hot, I’ll eat it.”

We ordered and sat in silence for a while. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing again, so I waited for him to bring up a safe topic of conversation. When nothing seemed to present itself I glanced around the room for inspiration.

“I bet you’d never believe me if I told you I helped build this place,” I whispered.

His eyes widened, and he swiveled around on the stool to take a second look around. “I  really wouldn’t. It’s way too sturdy to have  been built by anyone who looks like you. No offence, but you do look like a stiff breeze would bowl you over.”

“I don’t!” I do. But he didn’t need to hear me admit it. “And it’s true. I was actually the one who suggested we do this at all. Read about what the soldiers were going through, called in a few favors, and this was up in less than a year. The whole operation, not  just this building.”

“It’s nice. I doubt I would have gotten a breath between missions if not for this place. Why  _ do  _ you catalogue all our mission reports? Our higher ups usually take them right away at base.”

“This is a way to let the men's mind's rest and recall every detail. Any of them could be important, you know.” I shot him a sly grin.

“Have you ever gotten anything useful?” Skepticism dripped off his tongue. 

“We’ve learned a great deal, actually. Nothing that you have security clearance to hear, of course,  _ Captain. _ ”

He laughed and shook his head. “So sorry to pry, oh Merlin- Keeper of Secrets.”

“You have no idea.”

As he was about to ask what that meant, our hash arrived. It was cool in the center, but otherwise palatable. We sat in silence again as we ate. A few more people had trickled in and the radio was now on.

We’d finished when a girl came over. Civilians  were allowed in the club with a little paperwork and a special I.D. . She smiled  shyly and asked Henry to dance. 

He glanced at me. I blushed, but I couldn’t stop him. I nodded as she pulled him away. A wave of jealousy swept through me. The last time  _ he’d _ come back, we’d kissed under the stars. 

I wonder if he can still see the Universe at midnight.  I wonder if he’s ever even looked. So much of Arthur's personality comes through each of them, but they’re still unique.  I wonder if sometimes Arthur’s dreams get to them. Little things he never mentioned to me. That’s why it breaks me when I lose him. There’s so much I never get to learn. 

I watched him twirl her around as the song went on, but he wasn't focused on her. His eyes flicked around the room and met mine more than a few times. When the second song ended and she didn’t show any sign of stopping, I stepped in. His nerves were getting the better of him. Despite what everyone in the kingdom thought, their king was a nervous wreck around girls. Especially if he didn’t know them.

Gliding across the polished wood floor, I slid in front of her as she let go for a little spin. “So sorry to cut in, but I need my friend to settle a small bet I have going with some guys at the bar.”

I gestured to the general area, trying to maintain an air of confidence. She bought it and stormed off, muttering about men and their many faults.

Henry apologized, but she ignored him. Then, turning to me, asked, “So what’s the bet?”

“Hmm? Oh! Nothing. You looked like you were planning an escape, so I came over to help. I know someplace that’s quiet.”

“ Really ?” 

“I built this place, remember.”

“Lead the way.” 

He slid his hand into mine and blushed.

We snaked our way through the crowd, and made it the hallway that led to the bathroom. There was a little door painted a different shade of green than the rest of the wall. I opened it and revealed a narrow room. 

Henry paused for a moment before following me in. I pulled a string to turn on the single light in the room. It was dim with dust and disuse but served its purpose. 

“I noticed you don’t like cramped spaces when you were in my office, so this  probably isn’t ideal. But, am I right in saying crowds are worse?”

He kept his eyes fixed on his feet as he answered, “Yes.”

“I’ve seen that loads of times here. It's not something to  be ashamed of.”

“I’m not." He was defiant. "It’s always been this way for me. The sky- it’s my survival. Allowing me to see the enemy, to see my men. I don’t like it when I can’t see it. I  just \- the ground isn’t-” He stopped and took a shallow breath.

“Henry, you don’t have to explain it to me.” 

He stepped closer and rested his head on my shoulder. The music drifted through a vent, and we began to sway. 

His voice cut through the soft melody again. “I always go back for my men. I can’t stop myself. I want them to be safe. If they can’t be that, I at least want to be there with them until the end. The others don’t like it. I go back under fire sometimes. I never expect them to follow me, but they do. That’s why I hang back. If I distance myself they may not always feel that same sense of duty. It’s my ridiculous instinct, not theirs.”

“Henry, that’s-,” I was speechless. More  importantly I was right. A soldier’s sense of duty is a hard thing to shake.

“I’m an idiot, I know, but they need me. For some reason I can always tell when they need me.”

“You’re not an idiot. I was going to say ‘amazing’.  One day I was reading the paper, last year, and it said that aces were the modern knights-in-shining-armor . And it's true. Especially for you. You’re brave, and gallant, and a little stupid, but those were the qualities that made the best knight. I met a few, believe me.”

He blinked at me in disbelief. “You must be a hundred years old, Merlin."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because there's no one like you around anymore. You're completely different from anyone I've ever met."

"Well, you're not far off (change)

We stayed in that room for a long time, talking and swaying to the music. His hands rested on my hips and there wasn’t a trace of fear on his face. 

‘This is it,’ I thought. ‘He’s back. For real this time. We’ll stop the war, I’ll help him remember Camelot, and everything will have been worth it.’

When the music quieted again, we stepped out. I walked him back to his barracks. His smile caught the last of the sunset and lit up his whole face. I wanted to kiss him, but I wasn’t brave enough.  Maybe tomorrow. Who knows. He’s here. That’s all that matters. 

I know this is it. There’s nothing that has compared to this. Every time it’s stronger. The pull towards him. He becomes more real every single time. And this time. This time we’re even fighting a war. This time we’re back on the battlefield. This time  _ I will save him.  _

-Merlin

Tuesday June 19, 1916

Today at work, my colleagues and I were going over the accounts of Henry’s mission. We found quite a few discrepancies between them.  That usually means one or two missed interviews because of wounds or different places on the battlefield . But they were all together the whole time. Because of how much didn't fit, we have to assume there are double agents. An investigation will have to begin. 

This means two things. One- something interesting is finally going on around here.  I mean, you set up a base in a small town dedicated to filing and assessing the government's most secret war missions: you expect some uproar . But no.  Mostly we write and file. I have learned how to spruce up a legal contract with some fancy wording, though.

Sorry, back to the point. Two- Henry will be staying a lot longer than expected, which gives me time to get some information of my own out of him. 

_ He _ always remembered who  _ he _ was…  eventually . I need to find a way to spark the memories that won’t kill him. It’s got to be some sort of protection spell that’s hiding them. If I can lower the barriers I can see if there's an off switch. Childhood memories will be best for that. Get him thinking of long ago and far away, prod with a little magic, and I’ve got Camelot! I hope.  Obviously , I’ll stay away from anything that could completely fry his brain, but I’ve got to try something. Even if he thinks he met me in primary school. It’ll be on the right track. 

I’ll invite him over for dinner tonight, my cooking this time. I know from experience that two nights of military hash is about as bad as the battlefield.

Later

Once we go seated, he asked me how the reports looked. I told him the truth. Unfortunately he wasn’t surprised. His commander had told him before they left that there were some funny things going on. But got interrupted before he could give Henry any details. I’m not worried though. My boys are the best. If anyone can find a rat, it’s them.

After dinner we moved to the couch. My house isn’t much, I don’t like to stand out, but it is homey. At least for me. I have a small living room with stone walls, a nice sofa, and an oak coffee table. Everything hums with bits of magic. It builds up after enough repairs.

Rambling. Sorry. I haven’t found a good person to talk to in a while, and I’m not consistent enough to keep you up to date. Where was I? 

Oh! We moved to the couch, and he noticed a small portrait on a side table.

“Who’s this?” he asked. 

“My mother. She died when I was young, so I wanted to have something to remember her by.”

“Ah. You didn’t have a photograph of her?”

“We were poor. We didn’t have photographs.” 

“I’m sorry.” He paused and thought for a moment before continuing. “If you didn’t have a photograph of her, how was he able to paint her?”

I scurried for an explanation. “I knew a sketch artist and described her to him. Luckily he also dabbled in oil paint.” 

This wasn’t  entirely a lie. I was actually the one who drew it. In the late 1800’s I got bored and practiced with painting, but only did one. Magic takes the challenge out of painting. It manipulates everything before you can stop it.

There was still something I couldn’t capture in her eyes, though. A sadness that wasn't there in life.  I think it’s  just the fact that she isn’t here anymore. My magic does stuff like that sometimes. Henry's voice pulled me from my memories.

“That was lucky... She was a very regal woman, I assume. She carries herself with a certain grace.” 

“She would have slapped you if she heard you talk like that. But yes, she was proud, and strong, and… I miss her.” My throat hitched. “I’ve never told anyone that.” 

“I’m glad you told me. I never knew my mother at all. She left or died or both. My father refused to talk about her and alienated any family that would.”

There it was again. A little thing. So common. Missing a mother. But for him it was everything. A hole no century can fix. It’s cruel, but it reassures me that much more.

Seeing my chance, I sent out a tiny tendril of magic. It looped around his head and snuck into his irises. The eyes are the window to the soul. 

The conversation has stirred up a lot of childhood memories, so I went a little farther. There wasn’t much, and it was all stored in the ‘dreams’ area, but it was there. Camelot. Shining like gold in the trees. He remembered it as a dream, but it was real. 

This is  _ Arthur. _ Plain and simple. I  _ can _ wake those memories before he leaves on another mission.

This all took less than a few seconds, but affected him nonetheless. His eyes glossed over as a glimmer of fear appeared in them. I pulled back  quickly , but didn’t shield my eyes in time.

“What was that?”

“What?”

“Your eyes! I-I could have sworn they were gold for a second.”

“Trick of the light.” Blush spread across my face before I could stop it.  _ Him _ seeing that part of me always made me self conscious. 

“It was brilliant!  Honestly , I’ve never seen someone’s eyes look like that.”

“The light,” I mumbled as I got up to make tea. Seeing my blush may have raised more questions. Tea was an easy out.

We finished drinking a half hour later. Both yawning, we decided it’d be better to talk tomorrow. 

As he strode to the door, I saw him sway. The magic must have gotten to his head. I won’t do it again for a while. I’ll let the memories set, then reach them when they’re closer to the top. 

He turned before exiting and smiled. “You know, I do believe this is the most comfortable I’ve been indoors in my entire life. Thank you, Merlin.”

The blush came back. Those words. Those little, tiny words and my entire body surged with a bittersweet sadness. 

They must have woken something in him, too because the same glazed look came back for a split second. Then he shook his head ,and it retreated. “Have a good night, Merlin.”

“You too, Henry.” My voice was far sadder than I had meant it to sound, but he didn’t say anything about it.

Now I have to finish today’s paperwork. More to follow.

-Merlin

Saturday June 23, 1916

The past few days have been busy for Henry and me. I had piles of paperwork to fill out and a few discreet deliveries to make. He was being interviewed by every other man we have working in the office. They’re double checking stories of his entire squadron to make sure they stay true to what they said. I, being head of the department, got the job of going through every report with a fine tooth comb. Luckily, it wasn’t a complete waste of time. I found key discrepancies that  I think will flush out the moles. My boys have to apply the right amount of pressure and we'll flush him out. All this means there's been no time for dinner until last night.

He ran into me outside the office while I was on a quick break and placed a hand on my back. “Merlin! I'm sorry I haven’t been able to talk. They have me filling out about a hundred forms a day.”

A small blush crept across his face and I swear I melted a bit inside.

“Henry, it’s fine. They’ve got me reading every single one of your men’s reports, so I get it. I am almost done with paperwork for today if you wanted to come over again. Who knows when I’ll be free again.”

“Actually, I was thinking you could come to my barracks tonight. I couldn’t sleep this morning so I went on a walk and found the morning market. I got more than I expected and was planning on a little cooking.”

“I’d love to!” I blurted before thinking of the words leaving my mouth. My cheeks burned once my brain caught up.

He smiled. “Good, see you at seven. Don’t be late.”

I stood for a moment, watching him walk away. My legs didn’t seem to know what to do. Finally, Salgood came out of the building and knocked my shoulder. 

“You good, sir?”

“Huh, oh yeah, I- wanted to get some fresh air. Office was stuffy.”

“Better get back to work, sir. The boys finished another round of interviews.”

He jogged back to the building as my afternoon slid out from under my feet. 

I was able to get enough done to warrant leaving by six thirty. Rushing home, I did a quick once over of my hair then headed back out. 

Henry raised a playful eyebrow as he opened the door. “You’re one minute late.” 

“You’re a time freak,” I shot back.

“No, I’m military. It’s in my blood to be on time.”

“I’m military and timing doesn’t bother me.”

“Merlin, if you were military I’d be a monkey. You are something else  entirely . I’m not convinced you’re not taking over the government as we speak,” he laughed. 

I rolled my eyes. The man was oblivious most of the time, but the minute I do something, he can see everything! “Can I come in or am I going to have to eat out here tonight?"

He chuckled again and stepped aside. It was a small one room barrack with a cot on one wall and tiny stove on the other. There was no electricity, but the windows gave light and breeze. A couple chairs sat at a corner table. Two plates rested on it and he gestured for us to sit down. It smelled wonderful.

“What are we dining on tonight?”

“It’s called ‘Dinner in a Hurry’. Your market actually had a bit of beef and flour and I knew I couldn’t resist. My grandmother used to make it.”

I took a bite. “She was a good cook, if it tasted anything like this.”

“Her’s was better.” He looked at his plate and was silent for a while. “I miss home, Merlin. I used to want to get as far from it as possible, but now I want to go back. My father and I- we weren’t close, but I want him to know I miss him.”

“You’ll get home, Hen. I know you will.” 

He glanced at me and shook his head. “I hope you’re right.”

I felt the memories stirring in his mind, and I couldn’t resist reaching out to them. They were easier to find this time. A flash of red, a horse, a silhouette. He felt close to the person who cast it, but they were always blurry to him when they appeared in his dreams. I retreated. That was all I needed for tonight. 

He shook his head as if to clear it. It must feel funny, someone running around inside your head. One more time should do it. Camelot was a lot easier to find than I thought. His memory is good.

After we finished eating we sat and talked. 

“So how did you become a pilot?” 

“That’s a funny story, actually. I didn’t intend to become one, but on the first day of training they showed us what a plane could do. Something lit up inside of me. A freedom. The open sky sounded like the best thing ever. I rushed to apply the next day and never looked back.” He paused, caught in a memory. “ You know I almost wasn’t allowed into the military at all.”

“ Really . Why?”

“I have a weird birthmark, or something, close to an artery in my leg. They  were worried it could  _ mutate _ , impair my mobility. The doctors don’t know what it is. They’ve run tests but they can’t figure it out.”

“I’ll bet they can’t,” I murmured. As if I needed any further proof, he admitted to me he has the marks like the others.

“What’s that?”

“Oh nothing. Some things even science can’t explain, I guess.”

He cocked an eyebrow and went on. “My turn. How did you become a spy?”

“How do you-”

“ _ Mer _ lin, your whole operation is sketchy. Everyone  _ looks _ like a spy. It’s obvious.  You listen to important missions, extract the best information, and deliver it to top government officials .”

“You’re too smart for your own good, Hen.”

“That’s the second time this evening you’ve called me that.”

“Oh, sorry." I looked down.

He lifted my chin. “No, I like it. I never had a nickname before. Now answer the question.”

“What question?” Looking into his eyes had derailed my entire train of thought.

“How did you get to work here?” Exasperation leaked through his voice, as did a smile.

I grinned back. “It was my idea. I told you. I know a few things about war. One of them being secrets  _ can _ make friends on a battlefield. I went to my C.O. at the time, and he loved the idea. Even let me take charge after talking to a few people. I wanted to help. I wanted to get involved. It was a promise I made to a friend.”

Henry stared at me. “I was wrong, Merlin. You’re not a hundred years old, you’re a thousand. And you know what gives it away?”

“What?” I whispered.

“Your eyes. They know a whole lot more than you want to tell. Doesn’t matter, though. I’m going to find your secrets, Merlin. I’m going to know you.” He leaned in close.

“You already do.” My heart pounded, and I was sure he heard every beat.

“Not  all of you,” he breathed. 

Then our lips connected. His were soft, and warm, and so familiar. My magic surged and before I could stop it, it went back to his memories. The blurry figure cleared. It was me. In Camelot. By his side. My rightful place. 

“Merlin,” he gasped.

For one tiny second it was  _ us  _ again. King and Sorcerer. Side by side. Then the magic pulled back. Something made it leave, and fast. The flash of recognition left his face and he was Henry again. So close. So, so close. But not yet. The Universe is waiting for something.

He peered at me then his eyes closed. Instinct told me I wouldn’t be able to wake him, so I pulled him to the cot, making sure he was at least halfway comfortable. 

I found a pad of paper in one of my pockets and left a note saying, ‘I had a wonderful evening, sorry I had to go in a rush. Talk tomorrow.’

I don’t know how much he’ll remember, but I’m sure the gap will fill somehow. I won’t use the magic again. I can’t. After this it may do more harm than good. I need him to remember, but it’ll have to be on his own terms. It's okay, though.  _ He’s _ there. And closer than ever.

-Merlin

Sunday June 24, 1916

Henry took everything a lot better than expected. He came into my office late this morning looking confused, but otherwise alright. 

“Merlin, what happened last night? All I remember is,” he glanced around, making sure no one was in earshot.“...the kiss. When did you leave?”

My mind raced for a plausible explanation. “It was the food.”

“What?” 

“The meat must have gone off. You said you had a stomach cramp then sort of passed out on your cot. I stayed for a few minutes, but then my stomach turned, too. I left before I passed out along with you. You saw my note, though, right?”

“Yeah. That’s why I came here. I  just woke up.”

“Good. I can’t talk anymore right now, but meet me at my apartment later. We can talk more then.” I gave him a meaningful look. 

He nodded and left without another word.

By six I was ready to leave. I grabbed a few papers and headed home. Henry was at my door soon after. He was out of breath and wringing his hands. 

“Merlin before you say anything I have to apologize. I kissed you without thinking. It was the moment. I should have asked. I’m-”

“Before you finish that sentence, let me stop you. If you had done anything I didn’t want you to do or didn’t feel comfortable with, I would have said. I like you Henry. A lot. And,  honestly , you have no clue how much it means to me that you feel the same.”

“You’re not-”

“Going to stop you again. I’m not any of the words running through your head right now. I like you every sense of the word and I’m proud to say it.” I took his hand.

Blush spread across his cheeks and I giggled.

“In that case, could we try that kiss again? I won’t- pass out this time.”

“We could.”

His lips pressed against mine. I fell into it and  was lost . My body seared with magic and want, and neither of us held back. We were lips and hands and heat. We were alive.

I made tea the next morning while he paced around the kitchen. He was gorgeous in the morning light. 

“Merlin, what’s this paper with half my squadron’s names on it?”

“Oh, em, those are the ones we’ve ruled as possible… spies. Ones whose stories didn’t add up.” 

“That many?" he scrutinized the list once more. "Bobson was talking to men I’d never seen before we took off. If it’s anyone it’s him. I’ve never liked him anyway. Always made my hackles stand on end.”

“Are you serious. Hen, this is amazing. It cuts days, weeks, off our investigation, and about thirty pages of paperwork off my agenda! Thank you!” I dropped my cup and rushed to kiss him again. He pushed back with as much excitement as last night. I let myself sink down.

After an eternity, I murmured, “I have to go, but come by tonight. I’ll grab dinner from the Officer’s Club to be on the safe side.”

He smiled at me, pressed his lips against my ear and whispered, “See you then.”

The office became the last place I wanted to go.

Once there, though, I gave the name to my men, and we got to work. With a few  strategically placed questions, we weeded the spies. There were three in total. We'll process them tomorrow. That may complicate Henry's time here, but I'll figure something out.

Speaking of, he should be here in a few minutes, so got to run.

-Merlin

Tuesday June 26, 1916

We gave the names of the traitors to the generals two days ago. They finally got back to us: ‘Captain Smith’s squadron has been there long enough. Battle coming up at Somme. Need all fighters, land and air, ready to go.’ 

I tried calling in the favors they all owe me, but to no avail. Henry leaves in two days. 

Maybe it’s for the best. He is an excellent soldier. A battle could be the missing piece of the puzzle. The thing to bring all his memories back. I’ll send a protection charm with him for good measure. It'll improve his chances. There should be something around the house. He’s be over tomorrow, so I’ll find it before then. 

-Merlin

Wednesday June 27, 1916

I found the perfect thing! While shuffling around in drawers something caught the light. It was a ring I’d picked up in the early 16th century. The craftsmanship's remarkable with gold and silver bands intertwining in delicate patterns. I used a powerful spell, but the ring took it with ease. 

I gave it to him as soon as he got in the door. 

“ _ Mer _ lin, what is this?” he chastised as he opened the small box I’d placed it in.

“Consider it a good luck present.”

He blushed. “I didn’t get you anything.”

“You didn’t have to. I  just wanted you to take a little part of me with you. For safekeeping.”

“It’s beautiful,” He slid it onto his thumb. It fit  perfectly , and neither of us  were surprised .

“ Just promise me you won’t take it off for anything. It’s supposed to bring protection to anyone who wears it”

He raised an eyebrow, but saw I was serious. “I promise.”

“Good.” With that, we sat down to eat. We ranted about our day and guessed how long he would be at the battle. Once we both started yawning we made our way to my room and fell asleep.

As I write this, I have no idea what time it is. I woke up out of an uneasy dream and decided to get all this down before I got too busy with my day. I’ll have to wake him up soon, but right now he's too peaceful. Who knows when he'll sleep like this again. 

-Merlin

Thursday June 29, 1916

Henry left yesterday. The bus came early in the morning, but of course I was there to say goodbye. Well, not  _ goodbye _ , ‘be safe and see you soon,’  really . He was the last to get on the bus and made sure I saw him drag his feet. Then, as the doors were about to close he raced back out, dipped me, and kissed me in front of everyone. 

They all cheered and laughed, like it was a joke, but it felt so good. To  be seen in public like that, it doesn’t happen for me. My hear swelled. I didn’t want to let go, but I couldn’t blow the cover, so I pulled away and gave him a mock swat on the shoulder. He climbed back on the bus and was gone.

I miss him so much already. I got used to his company over the last few weeks. I keep telling myself he’ll be back. We’ll keep in touch, and once he’s done, I’ll request he come here. Those generals can’t refuse me twice, not with everything I’ve done.

I’m late for work, but I’m sure no one will notice.

-Merlin

July 5, 1916

**Post Office Telegram** From: RFC

To: Head of Intelligence- Merlin E.

This is Commander of the first wave of planes at Somme STOP  Deeply regret to inform you Henry T. Smith killed in line of duty July 1, 1916 STOP Dogfight an hour in STOP Could not shake them STOP This is coming to you as requested by him Stop Letter to follow 

The letter arrived today. 

_ Dear Merlin E. _

_ I was Capt. Smith’s commander from the time he joined the military to Somme, as I told you in the telegram. I am sorry for any delay that occurs between the time that telegram and this letter reach you. I write to you because it was his final request. Those are not denied. _

_ His plane went down  _ _ swiftly _ _ and I followed it, not wanting to lose my best pilot.  _ _ Sadly _ _ , the crash was too severe to leave anyone alive. When I reached him he was beyond comprehension, babbling about sorcerers and Camelot. He told me once that was his favorite story when he was little. I assume his mind must have gone to a place of comfort in his final moment.  _

_ Seeing me seemed to shock him into lucidity for a brief time, and he was able to say your name. I know it is you because you are the only Merlin in the entire British, French, or Russian military. I checked.  _

_ As he faded, he grasped my arm with a strength not usually possessed by dying men and said these words, “Tell him. Tell him I was wearing it. Tell him he did everything he could. Tell Merlin.” _

_ He died with your name on his lips. In battle that is a high honor.  _

_ Though he never mentioned you, I must assume you two were very close.  _ _ I know this letter cannot compare to seeing him again or even getting to say a proper goodbye, but I hope it can bring you some peace _ _.  _

_ I believe _ _ in my heart the pain had left him by the time I got there. He was only holding on for someone to take this message and get it to you. If you have any further enquiries, please write to the address on the back of the envelope. _

_ My deepest condolences, _

_ Lieutenant General Henderson _

It’s not possible. It can’t be. It  just can’t. The world is at war! I gave him the charm! It’s wrong. _ It’s so wrong _ . I was so sure. The  _ entire world _ at war and he’s still dead.

And I wasn’t there. I WASN’T THERE!!! Every other time,  _ every single time,  _ I have been there for him. He was never alone before. Never! That I will carry with me for all time.

I would say it’s unfair, but why bother. The Universe will  _ never _ listen to me. It will keep bringing him back when it wants, how it wants, with no regard for what it means to me or the rest of the world. It doesn't care.

I can't take much more of this. I know that. My heart burns every time he comes, and one day I won’t be able to seal the hole that he leaves. I’m afraid next time, oh yes there will be a next time, I will die along with him. Then the Universe would have to play with someone else, and that could be disastrous. 

-Merlin

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a 'sequel' see Reunited in my works (sorry I haven't figured out how to insert links yet. If anyones knows, help me in the comments, please ;)  
> Kudos and comments always appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Updates every Saturday or Sunday, but we'll see how school treats me ;) Comments and kudos always appreciated!


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